I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
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Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
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Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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