Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
