I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
