You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
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I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
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There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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