the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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