Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You made out with two different species that night
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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