it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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