How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
