you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
