While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
