remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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