I didn't shave. On purpose
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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