i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
