I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
