i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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