so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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