I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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