how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
