he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
