Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
