so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
