just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
