you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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