Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
