Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
