You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
