i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
