Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
