Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I cannot find my penis.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
