get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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