i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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