the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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