i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
People in love make me want to vomit
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
