You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
