Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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