upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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