So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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