Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
