Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
