I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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