Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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