Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
