if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
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