oh god the rape fog is back!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
