Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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