Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
