I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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