i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
