I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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