id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
