I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
