I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
