even my farts smell like vagina
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
