Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm at about main and main street
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
