you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
