hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
