You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
