Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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