Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
