Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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