chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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