I am in a vortex of obligation.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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