I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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