I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
